Most recently, I was talking to friends about how they want to change a certain behavior of their own. They explained to me how they were failing, and I discovered an interesting pattern which helped some of them.
Basically, when I decide to change my behavior, I followed two steps:
First, I observed multiple situations, so I can create a pattern from it. Let's say, I want to learn to listen better, but I always see myself taking space in a discussion. Theoretically speaking, I create a definition of a desired state: Don’t take that much space and listen closely to what people say.
Secondly, I tried to change my behavior in these situations by interrupting my actions as soon as I became aware of it. So, when I realized I was taking people's space in a discussion, I tried to shut up and listen.
Unfortunately, that didn't work out so well. On the one hand, I missed many situations where I made this mistake, and on the other hand, I found it very difficult to shut up and listen carefully.
Why was this happening?
I think that up to this point I have failed to confront myself with the roots of my actions. I rushed from observing a situation to immediately resolving it. Today, I try to approach it with an extra step: I accept the status quo.
I think I need to feel like it's okay for me to make these mistakes in the first place because otherwise I've put myself in a loop of failure. Because these situations can happen unconsciously, it's easy to overlook them. That's why it's good to meditate in the morning and repeat what want to be aware of.
Today, I observe situations I feel uncomfortable with and define a desired state. Accept that I have room for improvement, and then start to change it. In my experience, observing and accepting took the majority of the time and energy. Changing at the end was the easiest part. I also discovered that the changing part sometimes is optional and only accepting helped people already.
I think it's also important to say that this has a lot of overlap with common meditation techniques, where you try not to change in the first moment, but to accept a thought and go from there.
Furthermore, I hope this may help you in your next situation where you’re not feeling happy with some of your behavior.
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