Check-ins have been such a great tool for me to be mindful with friends, family and partners in the past.
I noticed that casual or structured check-ins are especially common in mindful communities, particularly among queer folks and those familiar with therapy.
When I first encountered check-ins, they weren’t called that. They simply happened during meaningful conversations. My deeper experience came in Switzerland, where I met Andi and Alex from zfkd. They shared a format with leading questions and created a space where I could just be myself.
Inspired by them, I’ve developed my own version of three simple questions and adding a few helpful guardrails.
Originally I got taught to put my feelings on a scale. When someone asked me how I was I instinctively answered “good”. My sensual present was mostly determined by a scale when I was talking about how I felt. It’s a simplification of how I’m feeling, an abstraction. But from my perspective, saying my feelings out loud is such a different experience.
It’s difficult for me to name my feelings. While developing Pixy, I learned that there’s a wide range of emotions we can refer to when talking about how we feel (see my list of 150 emotions).
The wheel of emotions was a great start in the journey of getting better in naming my emotions.
| German (Met) | English (Met) | German (Unmet) | English (Unmet) |
|---|---|---|---|
| erregt | excited | schlaff | limp |
| heiter | cheerful | müde | tired |
| sanft | gentle | abwesend | absent |
| absorbiert | absorbed | einsam | lonely |
| erstaunt | amazed | kleinmütig | faint-hearted |
| hoffnungsvoll | hopeful | ängstlich | anxious |
| selig | blissful | elend | miserable |
| aktiv/belebt | active/lively | konfus | confused |
| erwartungsvoll | expectant | schmerzvoll | painful |
| interessiert | interested | ärgerlich | angry |
| sicher | secure | entsetzt | horrified |
| angeregt | stimulated | krank | sick |
| fasziniert | fascinated | schuldig | guilty |
| involviert | involved | alarmiert | alarmed |
| sorglos | carefree | kribblig | tingly |
| aufgeregt | thrilled | schwermütig | melancholy |
| frei | free | angespannt | tense |
| lebhaft | vivid | erschöpft | exhausted |
| stolz | proud | träge | sluggish |
| behaglich | comfortable | ängstlich | afraid |
| freudig | joyful | erschreckt | startled |
| leicht | light | lethargisch | lethargic |
| überglücklich | ecstatic | traurig | sad |
| friedlich | peaceful | apathisch | apathetic |
| liebevoll | loving | faul | lazy |
| überrascht | surprised | matt | dull |
| berührt | touched | überlastet | overloaded |
| lustig | funny | bekümmert | worried |
| überschwänglich | exuberant | furchtsam | fearful |
| bewegt | moved | mutlos | discouraged |
| fröhlich | happy | verdrossen | displeased |
| mitteilsam | communicative | belastet | burdened |
| unbekümmert | untroubled | gehemmt | inhibited |
| dankbar | grateful | neidisch | envious |
| gebannt | captivated | verloren | lost |
| motiviert | motivated | besorgt | worried |
| ruhig | calm | gelangweilt | bored |
| gutmütig | good-natured | nervös | nervous |
| energievoll | energetic | verwirrt | confused |
| geborgen | safe | bestürzt | upset |
| munter | cheerful | verzagt | disheartened |
| vertrauensvoll | trusting | betrübt | sorrowful |
| enthusiastisch | enthusiastic | gleichgültig | indifferent |
| gelassen | relaxed | passiv | passive |
| mutig | courageous | verzweifelt | desperate |
| wach | awake | bitter | bitter |
| erfüllt | fulfilled | pessimistisch | pessimistic |
| glücklich | happy | widerwillig | reluctant |
| neugierig | curious | deprimiert | depressed |
| zärtlich | tender | hilflos | helpless |
| erleichtert | relieved | beschämt | ashamed |
| großherzig | generous | wütend | furious |
| optimistisch | optimistic | desinteressiert | disinterested |
| zufrieden | content | irritiert | irritated |
| erlöst | redeemed | ungeduldig | impatient |
I sometimes call it: Empty your backpack. This is your moment, just put it out there. Go from topic to topic and name what’s keeping your mind busy. This has quite some overlap with mediation: do not judge, but take the thought or feeling as it comes and speak it out loud.
Sometimes I think “what would be a newspaper headline for this topic?” just to frame it for me and to put the thoughts and feelings into one bucket.
Often the hardest question.
Especially for starters, I can recommend to start with body sensations. Even without any experience in labeling emotions, you can easily put them on a scale.
You can also simplify it by using a question of “What do you need to make today a good day/afternoon/evening for you?”.
In short:
When doing the exercise of a check-in with others, it is important that all people in the room only listen and observe the expression. Everyone tries not to respond to another with the goal of creating a safe space where everyone can express their feelings as much as they feel like.
No judgment should be felt. This means, no follow up question, no comments, and certainly no advice. Sometimes we urge to respond to those answers, especially when it interferes with the relationship we have with that person. For that reason it is especially important to keep calm. The group waits until someone has finished answering.
Be generous with the moment after the person stopped speaking and seems to be finished. Most people remember something more if you give them another 30 seconds.
What if it’s too much? You can always ask for a break or even leave the room. Nobody is forced to listen.
Through many check-ins, I learned that setting a clear rule not following up on anything shared within the check-in session without consent significantly strengthens the sense of safety. I experienced that people will open up even more due to the fact that they will stay in control of what consequences it has when sharing.
Keep in mind that the goal we have with the check-in is to understand that’s the reality of the person in front of us. not more, not less.
At the end, when everyone had the chance to share, a last question will be asked: “Does someone have more to share?”. This is because we want to be able to give everyone the opportunity to share closing marks or unfinished thoughts.