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Check-ins have been such a great tool for me to be mindful with friends, family and partners in the past.
I noticed that casual or structured check-ins are especially common in mindful communities, particularly among queer folks and those familiar with therapy.
When I first encountered check-ins, they weren’t called that. They simply happened during meaningful conversations. My deeper experience came in Switzerland, where I met Andi and Alex from zfkd. They shared a format with leading questions and created a space where I could just be myself.
Inspired by them, I’ve developed my own version, adding a few helpful guardrails.
The 3 Core Questions
- How are you, really?
- What’s on your mind?
- What do you need?
1. How are you, really?
Originally I got taught to put my feelings on a scale. When someone asked me how I was I instinctively answered “good”. My sensual present was mostly determined by a scale when I was talking about how I felt. It’s a simplification of how I’m feeling, an abstraction. But from my perspective, saying my feelings out loud is such a different experience.
It’s difficult for me to name my feelings. While developing Pixy, I learned that there’s a wide range of emotions we can refer to when talking about how we feel (see my list of 150 emotions).
The wheel of emotions was a great start in the journey of getting better in naming my emotions.
Here is a list of emotions based on need satisfaction.
German (Met) | English (Met) | German (Unmet) | English (Unmet) |
erregt | excited | schlaff | limp |
heiter | cheerful | müde | tired |
sanft | gentle | abwesend | absent |
absorbiert | absorbed | einsam | lonely |
erstaunt | amazed | kleinmütig | faint-hearted |
hoffnungsvoll | hopeful | ängstlich | anxious |
selig | blissful | elend | miserable |
aktiv/belebt | active/lively | konfus | confused |
erwartungsvoll | expectant | schmerzvoll | painful |
interessiert | interested | ärgerlich | angry |
sicher | secure | entsetzt | horrified |
angeregt | stimulated | krank | sick |
fasziniert | fascinated | schuldig | guilty |
involviert | involved | alarmiert | alarmed |
sorglos | carefree | kribblig | tingly |
aufgeregt | thrilled | schwermütig | melancholy |
frei | free | angespannt | tense |
lebhaft | vivid | erschöpft | exhausted |
stolz | proud | träge | sluggish |
behaglich | comfortable | ängstlich | afraid |
freudig | joyful | erschreckt | startled |
leicht | light | lethargisch | lethargic |
überglücklich | ecstatic | traurig | sad |
friedlich | peaceful | apathisch | apathetic |
liebevoll | loving | faul | lazy |
überrascht | surprised | matt | dull |
berührt | touched | überlastet | overloaded |
lustig | funny | bekümmert | worried |
überschwänglich | exuberant | furchtsam | fearful |
bewegt | moved | mutlos | discouraged |
fröhlich | happy | verdrossen | displeased |
mitteilsam | communicative | belastet | burdened |
unbekümmert | untroubled | gehemmt | inhibited |
dankbar | grateful | neidisch | envious |
gebannt | captivated | verloren | lost |
motiviert | motivated | besorgt | worried |
ruhig | calm | gelangweilt | bored |
gutmütig | good-natured | nervös | nervous |
energievoll | energetic | verwirrt | confused |
geborgen | safe | bestürzt | upset |
munter | cheerful | verzagt | disheartened |
vertrauensvoll | trusting | betrübt | sorrowful |
enthusiastisch | enthusiastic | gleichgültig | indifferent |
gelassen | relaxed | passiv | passive |
mutig | courageous | verzweifelt | desperate |
wach | awake | bitter | bitter |
erfüllt | fulfilled | pessimistisch | pessimistic |
glücklich | happy | widerwillig | reluctant |
neugierig | curious | deprimiert | depressed |
zärtlich | tender | hilflos | helpless |
erleichtert | relieved | beschämt | ashamed |
großherzig | generous | wütend | furious |
optimistisch | optimistic | desinteressiert | disinterested |
zufrieden | content | irritiert | irritated |
erlöst | redeemed | ungeduldig | impatient |
2. What’s on your mind?
I sometimes call it: Empty your backpack. This is your moment, just put it out there. Go from topic to topic and name what’s keeping your mind busy. This has quite some overlap with mediation: do not judge, but take the thought or feeling as it comes and speak it out loud.
Sometimes I think “what would be a newspaper headline for this topic?” just to frame it for me and to put the thoughts and feelings into one bucket.
3. What do you need?
Often the hardest question.
Especially for starters, I can recommend to start with body sensations. Even without any experience in labeling emotions can be easily put them on a scale.
- Are you sitting uncomfortably?
- Are you cold/hot?
- Are you thirsty/hungry?
The model of Klaus Grawe’s needs model to look at attachment, control, pleasure, self-esteem helped me as well.
You can also simplify it by using a question of “What do you need to make today a good day/afternoon/evening for you?”.
Guardrails for Group Check-ins
In short:
- Only one person speaks at a time — no comments, no reactions.
- Don’t interrupt or give advice.
- Let silence linger after someone finishes — often, more comes up.
- Anyone can pause, leave, or take a break.
- Never ask follow-up questions without consent.
- Goal: understand each person’s present reality — nothing more.
One person at a time
When doing the exercise of a check-in with others, it is important that all people in the room only listen and observe the expression. Everyone tries not to respond to another with the goal of creating a safe space where everyone can express their feelings as much as they feel like.
Don’t interrupt
No judgment should be felt. This means, no follow up question, no comments, and certainly no advice. Sometimes we urge to respond to those answers, especially when it interferes with the relationship we have with that person. For that reason it is especially important to keep calm. The group waits until someone has finished answering.
Linger after someone finishes
Be generous with the moment after the person stopped speaking and seems to be finished. Most people remember something more if you give them another 30 seconds.
Take Breaks
What if it’s too much? You can always ask for a break or even leave the room. Nobody is forced to listen.
Follow up only with consent
Through many check-ins, I learned that setting a clear rule — not following up on anything shared within the check-in session without consent — significantly strengthens the sense of safety. I experienced that people will open up even more due to the fact that they will stay in control of what consequences it has when sharing.
Goal
Keep in mind that the goal we have with the check-in is to understand that’s the reality of the person in front of us – not more, not less.
Finishing up
At the end, when everyone had the chance to share, a last question will be asked: “Does someone have more to share?”. This is because we want to be able to give everyone the opportunity to share closing marks or unfinished thoughts.
Further Reading